Why Men Won’t Commit:
SPECIAL REPORT!
Single Men’s Attitudes about Love and Sex
By Joanne B. Parrotta
www.amatterofdestiny.com
It has long been believed that men fear commitment. But now there are studies that actually support this. According to a study conducted by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, while both men and women are marrying later in life, men seem more likely to drag their feet when it comes to tying the knot.
In their report on the study (“Why Men Won’t Commit: Studying Young Men’s Attitudes about Sex, Dating and Marriage,” 2002), Barbara Defoe Whitehead and David Popenoe write,
The men in this study express a desire to marry and have children sometime in their lives, but they are in no hurry. They enjoy their single life and they experience few of the traditional pressures from church, employers or the society that once encouraged men to marry. Moreover, the sexual revolution and the trend toward cohabitation offer them some of the benefits of marriage without its obligations. If this trend continues, it will not be good news for the many young women who hope to marry and bear children before they begin to face problems associated with declining fertility.
Young women seem to be increasingly discouraged about finding their life partners nowadays. Although the majority of men say they want to marry someday, most fear the m-word and postpone it for as long as they possibly can.
Why Are Men So Fearful of Commitment?
ÞSome men fear that commitment requires change. But change is not necessarily a bad thing.
ÞSome men say they have not met the right woman. But perhaps they have and tragically don’t realize it.
ÞSome men are totally comfortable with the way things are nowadays. And why not? They get some of the benefits of marriage without the obligation.
ÞSome men fear that marriage would limit their options and compromise their lifestyle. They cheat themselves and the women they care about out of a life that could make them both very happy.
I believe that we have not done a good job in selling the virtues of marriage to men. Marriage can be wonderful, exciting and passionate with the right person. For instance, commitment with the right partner can bring stability to your life. Knowing that you have someone who is there for you even when you mess up can be comforting.
Statistics suggest that that being in a relationship is healthier than being single. Men who live alone are at an increased risk of dying from variety of illness. Recent research shows that single men aged 45 and over have a 23% greater risk of early death than do married men, and divorced men have a slightly higher risk than single or married men.
According to other recent studies, a healthy relationship with a significant other is very important not only to your happiness but also to your financial future. Happily married people earn and accumulate more money and feel more fulfilled in their lives than do single or divorced people. Two are definitely more powerful than one.
What’s a Woman to Do?
So what are women who desperately want to get married and start a family to do? The following five tips may be a good place to start:
1. Never rush sex, no matter how gorgeous he is.
2. Slow down. Keep a clear head and don’t get swept off your feet.
3. Be in control. You set the pace for the relationship.
4. Stay independent and don’t act needy. Give him the space he needs.
5. Until he commits fully, keep your options open. Date other people.
The Rutgers study identified ten factors affecting why men aren’t committing. Guess what one of the factors was? Sex! Sex is easy to get without committing, so why should they bother?
To check out the other nine reasons, go to www.readhim.com/commit.html.
Is Our Liberal Attitude towards Sex Jeopardizing Our Relationships?
Whitehead and Popenoe also report on a 2001 Gallup survey commissioned by the National Marriage Project. Half of the surveyed unmarried men aged 20 to 29 said they would have sex with a woman whom they had no interest in marrying. Men reported that they lose respect for and are less interested in pursuing a relationship with a woman who has sex with them too soon. One respondent said, “If a girl wants it the first night we go out, I definitely lose respect for her, ‘cause she is probably doing it with someone else.”
This attitude is consistent with the thoughts of some of the professional men I spoke to when researching my book, A Matter of Destiny. This is what Anthony, one of those men, had to say:
Some men have very old-fashioned beliefs when it comes to sex. I’m not ashamed to admit that I still label a woman as “easy” if she sleeps with me too soon, and I will assume she is someone who sleeps around. Therefore, she is not someone I can get serious about. And many of my friends feel the same way.
A lot of people think that the sexual revolution has eliminated the problem of a girl getting a bad reputation if she sleeps around. They are sadly mistaken! When it comes to sex and marriage, most men hold very traditional values. They will not consider committing to someone who has been promiscuous in the past or sleeps with them too soon. You’re either someone he just has fun with or the classy woman he can be proud of and bring home to mama.
So if you choose to use sex as a recreational activity, you may have a hard time finding and keeping a man who will commit to a serious relationship with you. Yes, unfair as it may be, the old double standard is still alive and well.
By the way, gentlemen, smart woman are not impressed with men who have slept with more women than they can count. Can you blame them? In this age of AIDS and STDs, it is no longer cool to sleep around. To a smart girl there is no difference between a slut and a stud.
Severe Commitment Phobics and Why We Should Avoid Them!
Commitment phobia is a deep fear of commitment. It can be due to negative experiences and beliefs or a personality disorder. Although both genders can suffer from commitment phobia, it seems to be more prevalent for men.
Some people who are this afraid of commitment may not admit it, probably because they do not recognize it themselves. Some say that they do want to marry and have a family, but in reality they fear losing their freedom and space way too much to let that happen.
The following are a just a few characteristics of the commitment phobic:
ÞThey come on strong at the beginning of the relationship.
ÞThey are usually very charming, romantic and attentive.
ÞThey can come across as being very sensitive, vulnerable and needy.
ÞThey are uncomfortable around your family and close friends and will try hard to avoid them.
ÞThey will avoid introducing you to the people important to them.
Many singles have encountered the commitment phobic at some point in their search for love. Commitment phobics have irrational negative beliefs about love and commitment. They can cause pain and anguish, as they can be very insensitive, uncaring or even cruel. They can break your heart without blinking an eye and leave you devastated and very angry.
Here is what Cindy, a 24-year-old woman, had to say about her experience with a commitment phobic:
Everything was going great. We got along well, and had a lot of fun together. The relationship was progressing nicely. And just when I was starting to think that maybe this was the One, bang—he dropped the bomb.
Understandably, Cindy was devastated and angry, not only with him, but with herself. However, being upset is a waste of time. Know that he is the defective one and be relieved with the reassurance that there is much better out there.
Commitment phobics are unable to sustain long-term relationships. They are addicted to the thrill of the chase. Once they win your heart, they quickly put on the brakes, spending less time with you, calling less and becoming less attentive. They eventually end the relationship altogether.
It is important to realize that some individuals will never commit. And you are making a big mistake if you think you can change a non-committer. Recognise these fearful souls for what they are and don’t get involved.
All the best,
Joanne B. Parrotta
Author and researcher
http://www.amatterofdestiny.com and http://www.wiseadvicebooks.com
Note: This report is free for publication as long as the resource box (above) is included and remains unedited. C 2011 All rights reserved.